After the Presents, What About Your Presence?
By Kathleen Matchunis, B.A., M.S., Certified Professional Coach
Over the holidays, we all spent a lot of time picking out presents for our children, but the memory of these gifts will soon fade. It is great fun to choose gifts which will delight our children. The excitement is almost palpable.
Especially, if you grew up without a lot of material things, it is such a pleasure to be able to give gifts to your children and give them what maybe you did not have when you were growing up. What do your children need more than you showing your love in this material way?
Your everyday presence far exceeds any presents you can give your child. How do you show presence in everyday life to your children? If you did not feel the presence of your own parents when you were growing up, this may not be that easy for you.
There is a limited window of time which we are allowed to guide our children and be there on a daily basis to mentor them. If we do not take advantage of this window of time, it becomes a fleeting memory which can never be recaptured.
How can you as a parent take advantage of this special time together before your child moves out and your relationship is changed forever? It is necessary to see opportunities and know how to connect with your child.
Here are some ideas on how to be more present in your child’s life:
- Don’t schedule yourself so tightly with work, social, and community activities that you have to squeeze your interactions with your child into just a few minutes a day. Some people will lead you to believe that speaking 10-15 minutes a day with your child is the most that you can hope for. You don’t have to accept this notion. Establish the expectation of communicating with your child. Sometimes, it takes time to communicate with a child and it can be crammed into a tight schedule.
- Find the right time to communicate with your child. Kids are people, too. Don’t broach heavy subjects when your child is tired or hungry.
- Be natural. If you start the conversation with, “We need to have a talk”, most kids will head for the hills.
- Try to do at least one mutually fun activity together such as a sport or a hobby.
- Take an interest in your child’s activities and hobbies. Ask about that video game that maybe you will never play or that book or movie which is really not “your thing”.
- Work together with your child for a common goal such as helping a charity, people in your community or in other parts of the world. You will learn a lot about each other and feel great afterwards.
- Let your children see you as a person and share how you handle the highs and lows in life.
- Notice the little positive things that your children do and acknowledge them.
- Compliment your kids in an authentic way on aspects of their personality which give them worth. It’s wonderful to say “Wow, you look great”, but they will internalize a comment such as, “You really showed a lot of compassion to your friend when he was hurting”.
- Take advantage of unplanned opportunities to communicate with your children such as when they are riding with you in the car or when they are staring into the fridge, while foraging for food.
Communication between children and parents cannot take place if there are no limitations on electronics. If you are present and your children are constantly on their phone, I-pads, computers, or playing video games, your presence will not be felt. Establish reasonable rules, preferably with your child, concerning the use of electronics at the table, during get-togethers, and family time.Sometimes learning to be present in your child’s life may not come naturally to you. If that is the case with you, get some new ideas or a new perspective.
Original content by Kathleen A. Matchunis, Educator, Professional Academic and Life Coach, providing customized coaching for teens and parents in person and via Skype. Website: www.connectinginc.net Tel. 954 294 9708. Like us on Facebook: facebook.com/connectinginc. Call for a complimentary consultation!