Whether your children are 3 or 30 years old, you will always be their parent. Parenting is the only job which you really can’t quit. Your child may be a college student or a young professional but although he or she may technically be an adult, you may be tempted to treat them as a child. How do you manage this tightrope act of being there for your children to guide them, while allowing them to maintain their independence and their dignity?
One of the main goals of effective parenting is to nurture independence and resourcefulness. Not all children develop these qualities at the same age. Physical age does not equal emotional age. Keeping this in mind, every individual needs to evolve at their own rate. Kids learn not just from guidance from parents and friends, but from experiences. No amount of talking will accelerate emotional growth until an individual is open and ready to change.
When tempted to give your children advice or guidance when they share a challenge or situation with you, you might want rethink your approach. Here are some tips for navigating this delicate situation.
- After listening to a challenge or situation that your children are dealing with, ask them if they would like to explore some ideas for solutions. If they say no, let it go. Don’t go there! The only thing that you can do in this situation is to paraphrase the problem and ask your child if you have understood the problem correctly. Just clearly identifying the problem can be helpful.
- If they agree that they would like to hear some possible options for solutions, do not attach yourself to the solution with the words “I think”, “In my opinion” or “If I were in your place”. Your child is trying to become independent and embracing your solution will not make them feel capable and mature.
- If your child agrees to listen to ideas or options for solutions, try phrasing the suggestions using impersonal language such as “Do you think it would work if you ___________”, “Have you considered ___________”.
- If your child does not want to listen to options, don’t offer any because he/she is probably not ready to hear possible solutions. You child may just want you to listen.
- If there is a pattern to challenges in your child’s life, you may want to ask, “What did you learn from this experience?” to get them to reflect on unhealthy behavior patterns in his/her life.
To get more tips on how to parent adult children, check out this excellent article in “Next Avenue” http://ow.ly/KF6u304iiOs
When adult children face challenges in their lives, it is difficult for them to accept advice from their parents. If ideas are phrased simply as ideas, rather than advice, they are easier for them to accept. There is so much emotional baggage between a child and parent, it is sometimes helpful to consult a life coach to get another perspective. A life coach will not tell your child what to do, but rather present options in order for him or her to “own” a solution.
Original content by Kathleen A. Matchunis, Educator, Professional Academic and Life Coach, providing customized coaching for teens and parents in person and via Skype. Website: www.connectinginc.net Tel. 954 294 9708. Like us on Facebook: facebook.com/connectinginc. Call for a complimentary consultation!
