How to Get Your Kids to Stop Fighting and Arguing
By Kathleen A. Matchunis, President of Connecting, Inc.
Now that a lot of us are working from home, we need more than ever to have our kids “on task” and doing what they are supposed to be doing, rather than interrupting us to solve their problems. As a former educator and the mother of twins, my kids and my former students with whom I am still in touch, tell me that the most valuable skill that I ever taught them was conflict resolution.
Kids cannot learn conflict resolution if it is not modeled at home. So, be very conscious when you and your partner discuss topics on which you do not agree. These behaviors include the volume of your voice, the tone of your voice, and body language. Listen to yourself when you get worked up. Are you loud? Volume doesn’t resolve anything. How about your tone? Are you snarky or sarcastic? A nasty tone can inflame a situation because it doesn’t make the other person valued or respected. If you start approaching a person aggressively with angry gestures and/or invade their space, you can cause fear and intimidation which is not conducive to resolving any problem.
So, let’s break this down, so we can share these valuable skills with our kids.
- First of all, listening is the most important skill in solving a conflict because we have to find out how the other person feels or thinks. We need to listen with our ears and our eyes. If we are listening but not making eye contact, the other person will not feel like he is being heard.
- Before you speak, take some deep breaths, calm yourself, and collect your thoughts
- Next, find your “volume control button” and adjust your volume
- While you are concentrating on your voice, consider the tone of your voice. Make sure that you are using a respectful tone of voice
- Choose your words carefully. Words can hurt or heal, depending on the ones you choose
- When expressing how you feel, use “I statements” to say how you feel without assigning blame to the other person. Example: I feel uncomfortable when you use my toys without asking me.
I-statement formula: I feel __________ (emotion) when you ____________ (whatever the other person does or says which upsets you)
The conflict resolution process is not complicated and even young children can learn how to do this.
- Ask your brother or sister what they think the problem is
- Ask your sibling what they want to happen
- Express what you want to happen
- Each person should offer as many solutions as possible to the situation
- See if you can make a deal or compromise, where each of you gets a little of what he wants
- Both siblings agree on a solution, even if it may not be perfect.
- Congratulate yourselves! You have solved a problem without your parents!
This technique takes practice. You can do some practice role-playing around the dinner table to have some fun with this process. Make up scenarios which may or may not have occurred in the past and try to resolve them. If your children cannot write, they can draw an ear to indicate listening, an eye to remind them of good eye contact, a head to indicate the brainstorming of ideas, and a big smile to represent the final agreement. If your children can write, have them write out their possible solutions and their final agreement.
Parents, you can ask your kids at the end of the day, to share with you how they resolved their conflict or discuss if they got stuck. You can consider rewarding your kids for resolving their own conflicts due to the fact that it is a huge benefit to have them do this and it contributes to the peace of the household.
Everything will not always go smoothly but you are empowering your children to be independent, use critical thinking skills and creatively solve their own problems! Having good conflict resolution skills contributes to positive personal and professional relationships in the future. Many employers list conflict resolution skills as a top skill for future employees, since so many employees have to collaborate with co-workers and interact with customers. This invaluable skill will set your child up for a happy, successful life.
