How to Stop Yelling at Our Kids
Do you yell at your kids? If you said ‘no’, do you think your children would agree with you? Let’s be honest, we all get tired at times and let out our frustration on our kids, but if this becomes a habit we’re cooking up big trouble for ourselves. Yelling is often a sign of stress, an indicator that we’ve reached the end of our rope and just can’t cope with the screaming, the fighting, or the trail of junk left behind by our teens. We know it’s not good for the kids to be yelled at, and we know it’s not good for us either. So what can we do?
1. Manage ourselves first. When we try to control our child’s behavior rather than managing our own, we’re effectively telling him that we need him to change in order for us to feel better. Who’s the adult here? Sometimes ‘managing’ our anger means expressing it, but in a controlled way. Anger breeds anger, and giving vent to our feelings in the heat of the moment can actually make those feelings more acute. Experts suggest that the act of ‘letting it out’ is not the thing that brings relief; the honest and open acknowledgement of how we feel is what does the trick.
2. Accept our children. Accept that they will do things that annoy and frustrate us. It’s not a good idea to expect perfection and then get mad when it isn’t delivered, or when our kids get things wrong, talk back at us or ignore us. But neither should we feel guilty that we’re somehow not doing our job properly. They’re just doing their job – being kids who don’t yet know how to solve all their problems.
3. Acknowledge the limits of our responsibility. A lot of our stress is generated by a misplaced sense of responsibility. When we realize that we don’t have to solve all the problems we see, then our stress-load gets a little lighter. For example, it’s not our responsibility to get our children’s homework done, it’s theirs. We can help with strategies like creating space and relative quiet for them to work in. We can even assist them if they run into difficulties. Getting it done, however, is their job, not ours. It’s not our responsibility to keep their rooms tidy, it’s theirs. We just need to decide how we’re going to respond when they don’t do it, and what the consequences will be. It’s obvious, but if we do everything for them we are not actually preparing them for a life of responsible independence, and that’s what we really want isn’t it?
4. Be prepared. Know what our triggers are – those things which immediately provoke a knee-jerk reaction – and prepare a response. For example, if kids jumping all over you the minute you walk in from a hard day’s work is going to make you grumpy, then prepare yourself during the drive home. Rehearse what you will say and what you will do. Perhaps you just need ten minutes to unwind before you can face the hordes with grace, so take that time for yourself and train your kids to expect that. We have a choice; to be the parent not the child.
Here’s another scenario. If you know that ‘Johnny’ will come to the dining table whining that his favorite TV program is on NOW, be prepared for the foot-stamping, screaming response when you say, “No”. He’s chosen his behavior; preempt a fight by choosing yours in advance. Decide that a firm but calm ‘no’ is all he is getting from you.
5. Remember that aggression is a behavior, but anger is simply an emotion. In and of itself, anger isn’t wrong, so we don’t need to overreact and condemn ourselves for feeling it – it’s just trying to tell us something. Perhaps something has gone and it really has affected us. Let’s acknowledge it. It is serving a purpose. Get some space. Take a deep breath or go out of the room, and decide how we are going to respond. Then we can come back to the situation with a clear head and a calm spirit.
Anger, in fact, is often an emotion which covers up fear. It can be fear of losing control, fear of not being accepted, or being liked. We act out because we feel helpless. We forget that the uncomfortable nature of these feelings is the very motivation that will get us to change and grow. At the beginning of every learning process we feel inadequate, whether it’s riding a bike or writing a thesis, but with practice we gradually become competent and our feelings about that skill change. We begin to feel confident and so our coping mechanism, yelling does not become our default setting . Be patient with yourself. Parenting doesn’t come packaged in a shiny manual as soon as you’ve given birth. We have to humbly grow and hone our skills.
