Boomerang Kids
By Kathleen A. Matchunis
Are you experiencing a child who has left home, only to return? Maybe you live with the fear that your child will never leave home.
What is going on here? Preparing your child to leave home is one of the most important jobs which a parent has. From the time a child is born, our natural tendency is the smooth the path for our child, so that he or she can thrive. Are we really helping our children thrive by making things easier for them?
Think about the obstacles which you have had in your life. Didn’t they make you more resilient and capable? Don’t we want our children to be more resilient and capable? There is a difference between enabling and empowering. It is important to give our kids the basics, so that they can succeed, but when we do things for them, it is counterproductive to them being independent.
We obviously don’t want to make things difficult for our children, but we need to challenge our children to be resourceful. We encourage independence by guiding them, rather than doing for them. Teens have better self-esteem and more self-reliance when everything is not planned and choreographed for them.
The happiest individuals are those who know how to get their work done and then entertain themselves. These kids feel satisfaction of earning their own grades, earning money by working after school, helping their community through volunteering, and creating their own social life.
Setting expectations and boundaries is important in a parent-child relationship. Teens need to grow up knowing that it is expected that they either get training in a trade or go to college, so that they can support themselves. Obviously, home is there for tough times such as transitioning from school to work or if they have a period of unemployment. It needs to be clear, however, what the financial expectation is while living at home temporarily. Expectations and rules of the house need to be discussed in advance, so each party is clear on the arrangement.
Sometimes if home is too cushy, children are not too motivated to seek employment. So, it is essential to have all conditions of the arrangement thoroughly discussed such as chores, finances, time limit, and any other details which could cause tension in your relationship.
With clarity of expectations and support, children can learn to be independent and self-reliant. One of the greatest pleasures in life is having a positive adult relationship with your child.
