How Do You Engage Your Teen in Conversation?
By Kathleen A. Matchunis, President of Connecting, Inc.
Do you feel like you are hitting your head against a brick wall when you try to talk to your teen? Do you get yes/no answers and an occasional grunt when you start a conversation? Many parents face this dilemma.
First of all, it is very useful to ask open- ended questions such as: “What do you think about ________?” You can fill in the blank with a movie, a current event, book, or something that is going on at school. You can also ask, “How do you feel about ______” (name an issue that is a hot topic). Questions that begin with “how”, “why” or “what do you think (feel) about”, elicit more than one word answers.
Asking thought-provoking questions should begin when children are young, so they can learn how to be good listeners and express their opinions in an appropriate manner. Children not only improve social skills by during these discussions, but also improve their grammar and vocabulary, which has benefits in their academic life.
Another important social skill which should be learned during discussions with family is that teens need to ask others questions instead of just answering questions. I often hear parents ask their teens how their day was without the teen reciprocating by asking how the parent’s day was. In the outside world, this is considered self-centered and rude. Teens need to be made aware the world doesn’t revolve around them. Imparting this concept can be accomplished by having the parent ask, “Would anyone like to know about my day?” or “Would anyone like to know what happened to me at work today?”
Good conversation is the art of asking good questions and showing concern and empathy for the other person. This can be developed in children by having them ask the parent or siblings questions. Sometimes children feel self-conscious about speaking about certain topics. It is great to start these conversations in the car, with the door locked, going 60 mph. When kids are a captive audience and they do not have to make eye contact, it is amazing what they will share with you!
If you have trouble coming up with conversation topics, you can order a set of cards from Amazon.com such as “Table Topics” or “Teen Table Topics” to jumpstart your conversations. A different family member can choose a card each time and be the conversation leader. It is surprising what you can learn about your child and what they will learn about you, when you truly engage them in conversation. You might find out how much you have in common or how different you are, but what is important is that you bonding and connecting with your child!
