Lean In, Lean Back! What’s a Girl To Do?
By Kathleen A. Matchunis
Are you confused by the mixed messages constantly given to women today? We hear “Lean In!” “Lean Back!” I feel like I am doing the “hokey pokey”!
It seems that Sharon Sandberg has the best of intentions by urging young women to “go for it” in corporate America and not hold back when it comes to asking for promotions and increasing responsibilities on the job. This advice is great for women who are not mothers of young children or children who have special needs. It is appropriate, however, for mothers who have a partner or hired help who will assist with the responsibilities of raising a child. It is, of course, not always economically feasible for a women to cut back on her work. A woman’s decision to decide how much she works depends on many circumstances.
I agree that our young women should be empowered to aspire to whatever fulfills them professionally. However, motherhood changes everything. Having a child is not like acquiring another possession. Raising a child is not a hobby. It requires a dedication and sensitivity that does not always respect one’s professional schedule. Some of the best conversations I have had with my children were during those “down times” at home where nothing was scheduled. When I was more involved with my professional life, there was little or no “down time” and although I was fitting everything in on my “to do” list and accomplishing my goals, I can’t say that I was very happy, relaxed or healthy during that time. I was an organizational maniac, checking things off as I ran through my agenda. Motherhood did not fit into my schedule at that point in my life.
When I became the mother of twins, one of whom, had special needs, it was apparent that I would have to approach my professional life differently. Not all women have this option. Some women have partners who can adjust their professional schedules to contribute to childcare and household duties. Some women have family support which includes built in babysitters. Some women can afford hired help or live in nannies and housekeepers. The average American woman does not have these advantages.
So, what happens when a mother, without these advantages, tries to excel in the corporate world and be a caring, involved mom? Chances are she will be stressed, trying to meet all her responsibilities, and not feeling that she is meeting her own expectations in either her professional or personal life.
Each woman has to respond to the challenge of working and being a mother according to her own personal circumstances. She should not feel less of a woman if she modifies her professional schedule to meet her parenting responsibilities or if she delegates these responsibilities to her partner or hired help. Working while parenting is an extremely personal decision which reflects values and priorities.
If children do not get what they need in terms of attention and affection, it does not just affect that child or his/her family; it affects all of society. Look at the tragedies which we hear about every day that stem from a damaged childhood. What happens when the damaged or neglected child becomes a parent? A cycle of neglect is perpetrated.
In my career as an educator, I saw this occur with students who came from a household of “super achieving” parents. What will the professional awards be worth if you have a troubled child who is not able to be a useful part of society? Is the heartbreak worth it simply for the accolade of being a super achiever?
Finding a balance in a woman’s professional and personal life is achievable and a very personal choice. Every woman has to find a way to do this in a way that does not short change her child. True women’s liberation is having the option of making the best personal choice for your life.